What can you do to save your marriage when it’s teetering on the edge of divorce? While the answer to this complex question isn’t simple, there are key elements of successful, lasting relationships that can help you get back on track.
If both you and your partner are committed to saving your marriage, there are positive strategies you can employ to give your relationship a fresh start and strengthen your bond.
Reviving a Distanced Relationship
Is your relationship with your partner feeling distant, unhappy, or lacking passion? This is a common scenario for couples who have been together for a long time and lead busy lives. The good news is that if you’ve lost the intense spark you once had, it’s possible to rediscover your emotional and sexual connection.
Consider Ben and Macy, both in their early forties and married for seventeen years. “I’ve been miserable for some time,” Macy confides. “I don’t feel close to Ben anymore. We’ve drifted apart and rarely spend time together or have sex.” Ben adds, “Macy doesn’t appreciate me, and I often feel criticized by her. Maybe splitting up is the best option.” Unfortunately, their remarks reflect a focus on each other’s flaws rather than on finding ways to repair the relationship.
Taking Responsibility for Change
Relationship expert Dr. Harriet Lerner explains that waiting for your partner to change is a recipe for failure. Instead of giving up on your marriage, couples need to move toward each other. As she writes, “It’s the dissatisfied partner who usually is motivated to change. If you don’t take some new action on your own behalf, no one else will do it for you.”
When your partner becomes distant, it’s natural to feel like giving up. However, reacting in kind only deepens the divide. Dr. Lerner recommends taking responsibility for warming things up by increasing positive reinforcement. For example, saying, “You’re so thoughtful for cleaning the kitchen,” highlights their positive qualities and reinforces the things you admire about them.
Staying Emotionally Connected
Practicing what Dr. John Gottman calls “emotional attunement” while relaxing together can help you stay connected despite your differences. This involves “turning toward” each other and showing empathy rather than “turning away.” Dr. Gottman recommends maintaining a five-to-one ratio of positive to negative interactions. In other words, for every negative interaction, there should be five positive ones.
Rekindling Passion
Another crucial aspect of keeping love alive in your marriage is rekindling passion. According to marriage and divorce expert Cathy Meyer, a lack of passion is a serious warning sign in a marriage. She writes, “Whether it’s you or your partner who has lost interest, a lack of regular intimacy in a marriage is a bad sign. Sex is the glue that binds us; it’s how adults play and enjoy each other. It’s either time to spice things up in the bedroom or take a serious look at why one or both of you has lost interest in the sexual aspect of the relationship.”
Fortunately, recent research shows that sustaining romantic love over many years has a positive impact on the brain, allowing couples to keep the passion alive in their marriage. A 2011 study published in the journal Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience revealed that romantic long-term love activates the dopamine-rich ventral tegmental area (VTA) of the brain in a way similar to how it does in individuals newly in love. The study found high activity in the brain’s reward and motivation centers, suggesting that sustaining romantic love can mimic the excitement of new love if couples remain motivated to make each other happy and nurture passion in their relationship.
In fact, a lack of sexual passion is the most common issue that brings couples to therapy, according to Marianne Brandon, author of Unlocking the Sexy in Surrender. Fortunately, couples can keep love and passion alive by practicing the following suggestions.
5 Things to Try Before Giving Up on Your Marriage
- Complain, Don’t Criticize Your Partner: Have you developed a habit of criticizing your partner? Focus on specific issues rather than attacking them. For instance, instead of saying, “You never think about me; you’re so selfish,” try saying, “I was worried when you were late. We agreed that you’d call me.”
- Resolve Conflicts Skillfully: Don’t ignore resentments that can destroy your relationship. Conflict is inevitable, and couples who strive to avoid it risk developing stagnant relationships. Avoid defensiveness and showing contempt for your partner through behaviors like eye-rolling, ridicule, name-calling, and sarcasm.
- Increase Physical Affection: According to Dr. Kory Floyd, physical contact releases feel-good hormones. Holding hands, hugging, and touching can release oxytocin (the bonding hormone) that reduces pain and causes a calming sensation. Oxytocin is also released during sexual orgasm and affectionate touch. Physical affection can also reduce stress hormones, lowering levels of cortisol, the stress hormone.
- Nurture Fondness and Admiration: Remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities, even as you grapple with their flaws. Express your positive feelings out loud several times a day. Look for common ground during disagreements rather than insisting on your way. Listen to their point of view and avoid stonewalling – shutting yourself off from communication.
- Spend Quality Time Together Daily: Engage in activities that you both enjoy. Have fun courting your partner and practice flirting. Don’t forget to cuddle on the couch and surprise your partner with a kiss. Even if you’re not naturally affectionate, increasing physical touch can help sustain a deep, meaningful bond.
It’s understandable to feel hurt, frustrated, resentful, or rejected if you sense that your partner has checked out of the relationship. Instead, the next time you have a disagreement, stop second-guessing their reactions and examine your own responses.
When one or both partners shut down or become critical, issues often get swept under the rug and are never resolved, leaving the partner who feels hurt even more resentful. If your relationship feels rocky, adopt a resilient mindset and focus on ways to repair your hurt feelings and get back on track.
In closing, pay close attention the next time you feel hurt, angry, or abandoned by your partner, and examine the role you play. Taking responsibility for warming things up in your marriage can ignite change if your partner is receptive. Just because your relationship is going through a dry spell doesn’t mean you’re headed for divorce court.
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